Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Naming our Meds

Ever wonder how they come up with the names for the meds pharmaceuticals develop and market?

My fun wordplay for the day is to concoct a pharmictionary describing the meanings that immediately come to mind when I hear the names of certain drugs.

Okay, here goes:

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Abilify = The capacity to construct and mail out an invoice.

Prozac = Everybody who’s not against Zack.

Accutane = An additive that keeps your car from coughing.

Allegra = Increases music appreciation in haters of classical music.

Amerge = What they call the fusion of two lanes into one on the highway.

Botox = What happens when the interrogator threatens Beau.

Antivert = An opponent of the Green Movement.

Bleph = Noun generally applied to persons endowed with excessive blandness.

Celebrex = What divorcees do when the papers become final.

Cialis? = You'll find her at her restaurant, of course.

Dynapen = A large, enclosed structure used to protect the bones of prehistoric animals from museum-goers wishing to touch them.

Femring = A group of women knitting squares for a quilt; or the hum of your cell phone indicating a woman is calling you.

= The result of taking too many laxatives.

Gardasil = A protective covering for window ledges.

Lipitor = Guided visit to a lipstick factory.

Lunesta = Annual festival to honor the moon.

Lyrica = Popular name often adopted by some female singers.

Macrobid = A huge amount of money offered for an item at an auction

MiraLAX= Used by lazy people reluctant to clean their mirrors.

Maxair = What an air conditioner will give you if you push the right button.

Mentax = Not the same as Femtax, but both payable at the end of the year regardless of gender.

Pataday = What you should give yourself if you keep to your daily writing schedule.

Prepidil = The act of getting a certain type pickle ready to be sliced.

Remicade = Name for the section of the mall where former research subjects congregate to relive their REM sleep-study experiences.

Requip = A rejoinder by someone who just has to get the last word in.

Toradol = A small stuffed animal sold as a souvenir to tourists exiting the Spanish bullfight arena.

And finally, a made-up one: Darpacet = A defense-related project go-ahead, as in, “All set”. (DARPA = Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency).

As if I have nothing else to do today, ha ha.

My all-time-favorite on this list is the first one: "Abilify." All the other terms could pass as nouns. Abilify is the only one that sounds like a verb. In keeping with former pharmtrends they should have nounified it. But it would sound ridiculous:

"I'm taking Viagra. What do you take?"

-- "Me? I got something called Abilification."

"Oh jeez, I hope it's nothing serious, man."

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I rest my case, LOL.

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