Naming our Meds

Ever wonder how they come up with the names for the meds pharmaceuticals develop and market?

My fun wordplay for the day is to concoct a pharmictionary describing the meanings that immediately come to mind when I hear the names of certain drugs.

Okay, here goes:

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Abilify = The capacity to construct and mail out an invoice.

Prozac = Everybody who’s not against Zack.

Accutane = An additive that keeps your car from coughing.

Allegra = Increases music appreciation in haters of classical music.

Amerge = What they call the fusion of two lanes into one on the highway.

Botox = What happens when the interrogator threatens Beau.

Antivert = An opponent of the Green Movement.

Bleph = Noun generally applied to persons endowed with excessive blandness.

Celebrex = What divorcees do when the papers become final.

Cialis? = You'll find her at her restaurant, of course.

Dynapen = A large, enclosed structure used to protect the bones of prehistoric animals from museum-goers wishing to touch them.

Femring = A group of women knitting squares for a quilt; or the hum of your cell phone indicating a woman is calling you.

Flomax = The result of taking too many laxatives.

Gardasil = A protective covering for window ledges.

Lipitor = Guided visit to a lipstick factory.

Lunesta = Annual festival to honor the moon.

Lyrica = Popular name often adopted by some female singers.

Macrobid = A huge amount of money offered for an item at an auction

MiraLAX= Used by lazy people reluctant to clean their mirrors.

Maxair = What an air conditioner will give you if you push the right button.

Mentax = Not the same as Femtax, but both payable at the end of the year regardless of gender.

Pataday = What you should give yourself if you keep to your daily writing schedule.

Prepidil = The act of getting a certain type pickle ready to be sliced.

Remicade = Name for the section of the mall where former research subjects congregate to relive their REM sleep-study experiences.

Requip = A rejoinder by someone who just has to get the last word in.

Toradol = A small stuffed animal sold as a souvenir to tourists exiting the Spanish bullfight arena.

And finally, a made-up one: Darpacet = A defense-related project go-ahead, as in, “All set”. (DARPA = Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency).

As if I have nothing else to do today, ha ha.

My all-time-favorite on this list is the first one: "Abilify." All the other terms could pass as nouns. Abilify is the only one that sounds like a verb. In keeping with former pharmtrends they should have nounified it. But it would sound ridiculous:

"I'm taking Viagra. What do you take?"

-- "Me? I got something called Abilification."

"Oh jeez, I hope it's nothing serious, man."

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I rest my case, LOL.